The Holiday Chill

29th of December 2014.

Are we supposed to hold someone's hand?


Last Saturday, I met up with someone.
This time I've proven that I don't fall in love too easily.

That day, I went up to the roof deck to smoke one stick of cigarette.
I screamed to God to please give me a sign. To show a bright sunshine between the clouds.

It did show.


But the guy I met up with wasn't the one I wanted to fall in love with.


A chilly holiday indeed.

Take It With The Pain

Maybe I am addicted to pain.
Maybe I like getting hurt as much as being happy.

Maybe we all need to know how to get hurt, to know and appreciate being the joy and elation.

I saw my ex' post in Instagram, kissing another person - she hid the person very well with picture stickers.
She seemed very happy.

How the hell did she got their first?
I was cringing.
There monster in my stomach is back.
I was so green.

I hate this feeling.
Good thing my sister was there that night.
I went up to her and I burst my tears on her shoulder.

Few days before this shit, I went out to see our common friend and I was just telling her that I have always loved my ex and I would have chosen to get back together. But she said, love is not enough. I thought to myself that maybe this time, love is not enough. It used to be enough for me.
But she's happy now, kissing and posting another person in IG.

You can't have everything, really.

Love Language Personal Profile

Your Love Language Personal Profile
Lane, thank you for filling out the Love Language Profile for Singles to discover your love language. You’ve taken an important first step . . . understanding your love language. What follows is just the tip of the iceberg. To really understand your love language and how it affects your relationships, we recommend reading The 5 Love Languages Singles Edition. It will help you unpack all the concepts we touch on here.

Interpreting and Using Your Profile Score:

The highest score indicates your primary love language - how you really understand the expressions of love from others. It’s common to have two high scores (the highest score being 12), although one language tends to have a slight edge for most people. The lower scores in your profile indicate those languages you seldom use to communicate love and which probably don’t affect you on an emotional level in your relationships.

8 Acts of Service
8 Quality Time
6 Receiving Gifts
6 Words of Affirmation
2 Physical Touch




Acts of Service
Can helping with homework really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most wants to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter. When others serve you out of love (and not obligation), you feel truly valued and loved.

Quality Time
In Quality Time, nothing says “I love you” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes you feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed activities, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. Whether itʼs spending uninterrupted time talking with someone else or doing activities together, you deepen your connection with others through sharing time.

Receiving Gifts
Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures. Gifts are heartfelt symbols to you of someone else's love and affection for you.

Words of Affirmation
Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important— hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. You thrive on hearing kind and encouraging words that build you up.

Physical Touch
A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, and thoughtful touches on the arm—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive. Appropriate and timely touches communicate warmth, safety, and love to you.


Understand your love language

Remember - this description just scratches the surface of one love language. There’s much more to help you really understand the love languages of you and others in Dr. Chapman’s book, The 5 Love Languages Singles Edition.
 
Not what you expected?
If the results don’t seem right, here are three other approaches to discovering your love language:
• First, observe how you most often express love to others. If you are regularly doing acts of service for others, this may be your love language. If you are consistently, verbally affirming people, then Words of Affirmation is likely your love language.
• What do you complain about most often? When a loved one says Happy Birthday and you respond, “You didn't get me anything?!” you are indicating that Receiving Gifts is your language. The statement, “We don’t ever spend time together,” indicates the love language of Quality Time. Your complaints reveal your inner desires. (If you have difficulty remembering what you complain about most often, I suggest that you ask a friend or family member. Chances are they will know.)
• What do you request of others most often? If you are saying “Did I do a good job?” you are asking for Words of Affirmation. “Do you think we could hangout this weekend?” is a request for Quality Time. “Would it be possible for you to mow the grass this afternoon?” expresses your desire for Acts of Service.

Improve all your relationships

If you have not already done so, encourage your friends and loved ones to take the the Love Language Profile. Discuss your respective love languages, and use this insight to improve all your relationships!

Deville's Kiss

Cool wind blowing on my skin. I needed warmth.

I watched as he quietly played with the street cat with his hands. 

Gentle and playful. His long fingers caressing the furry creature. 

I felt a little warmth inside me. But the wind blew colder.

I wondered how those fingers would feel if it touched me that way. 

The feline seems to agree with what I was thinking, as it brushed its head some more on to his arms.

I told him I felt cold, and I made my way to get near him.
I couldn't take it anymore. The heat emerging from his body without touching felt empty.
I needed the human touch. I was a little envious with what he was doing to the cat.

His tempting eyes. His broad shoulders. The arms that seemed so strong. And his hands...

I don't remember how, but we were then holding hands.
I pulled away to see if he would want to have it back, and he did.

I didn't want to get too obvious, but I was longing that he would pull me in closer. Near to where I can hear his heart beat so that I can try to read what he doesn't say.
I looked for other signs and non-verbal cues, but all I saw was a poker face staring back at me.

While we walked, he said "this will be a great spot for our first kiss," as he referred to the X-mark on the road intersection. I rolled my eyes at him and said, "not gonna happen". But it did after a few blocks. At an inconvenient location. I pulled him in and smack my lips into his and then pushed him away.

He said, "that wasn't a kiss. That was an assault on the lips" as he pulled me in, and I gave in to the idea of kissing.
He cupped my face and he slowly moved in to my personal space. I felt his breath came closer to my face.

He. Kissed. Me.

And it felt warmer than ever.

Perfectly Broken Conquest

Love goggles: ON.

Clouded judgement.

You don't actually remember what they look like, but you just remember their glow. Their smile. The way their skin felt on your skin. We only see certain parts of them, and those parts are all roses.

Love is addicting, like alcohol and marijuana. It increases our threshold for pain, leading us to believe that things are different than they are.

Why do I easily fall in love? Is it because I can see the goodness in people?
I can see the goodness of a person, and I would I love them. I tend to accept everything that they are, no matter how ugly their soul is.

My friends say my judgement is impaired, and I'm over forgiving. I say they may be right.

My inhibitions are down, and I expose sides of my self that should be kept private at an early stage of dating.

Why do I do this? I don't know. But what I know is that, man is not always evil.
I know that deep down their evilness, there is still a tiny bit of goodness in him. That tiny bit of spark.
That behind the cockiness, rudeness, manipulative behavior, he still hopes for something good.

The ever hopeful me. Hah. This gets me into trouble all the time.

I guess, we all look for someone who we think is the perfect person for us. That perfect date. That perfect night. that perfect kiss.

But why are relationship lines get blurrier than ever?

Why are there more people hooking up and not choose to be committed?

 I guess, it's because “Why buy the cow, when you get the milk free?”

Pull Back Always

Reminder to self to always pull back and pull away so he will always chase you.

Pulling back means you allow him to miss you and to keep him interested.

Give him some distance and space to work with.
Never chase him.

Never make demands of what you want from him or he will run away.

Allow him to realize your value.
Make him work for the prize - YOU!

Show him that you are not an easy of a prize to achieve. Be the challenge.

You are the one doing the choosing.

Pretend that you are not interested while your heart is actually fluttering and you're secretly concerned that he may actually hear your heart beat.

Do not be easily impressed.

Look at this as a chance to find out if he really is the guy you want to get to know better.

Be who you really are, which is a woman who finds him attractive on the surface, but needs to finds out more to be truly convinced that he's right for you.

Rose Tinted Glasses

Why do I find it easy to fall in love?

One fine day, I met a guy that I couldn't believe I would actually like.
I couldn't say it was physical attraction because he was not my type at all.

He's tall, alright. His physique is nice too, but it was never a factor I always consider.

I usually go for someone who I think I would look good with, or someone who my folks would approve of. But I gave it a shot to get to know him, and indulge in a sweet spontaneous night.

It was very simple. Coffee. Long walk. And I should say, one of the most decent conversations I've had with someone for a reasonably long time. Like an old fashion way of getting to know someone outside phone calls and text messages. It was a long decent conversation.

I never thought I would experience it again after high school. Someone from the neighbor all-boys school would be waiting by my school entrance, ready to walk me home. We would have a nice chat while having Zagu and our hands holding each other. *Sigh*

So, this guy... He let me talk like he wanted to get to know me more. I wasn't completely interested at first with what he had to say, so I didn't dig into further details (knowing how I am like!) But he did mention a few things about himself along the way, and I actually enjoyed knowing more about him.

I feel like there's so much mystery in him that I have yet to unravel.

It was as if he was romantic. He brought me along sea-side where we found peace and comfortable place to stay. And it seemed like there was no one else in that place but us (although there was a live band playing).

I especially like his intellect. That he questions me with a lot of things. He speaks his mind. And he did not let the moment pass us by.

Moments passed and I was enjoying his warmth beside me. We even held hands like we already knew each other for a long time. *Am I dreaming?*

We walked some more and found a X-mark on the road - the intersection mark. He said, "this would be a great spot for a first kiss". He indulged me more by saying, "you know what they say about first kiss? It would give you the warmest feeling. So if you are feeling cold. . ." He would pull me in, and I would always look away and said "It's not gonna happen!". Until I finally gave in and pulled him in, and assaulted my lips with his. *Hahahaha* He said, "well, that's not the way to kiss." And then he gave me, one of the most decent, road-wide-open-underneath-the-stars and moon-kind of  kiss I have ever had in my life.


I guess it was that reason why I had allowed myself to have him take me home---to his place!

La Vie En Rose was played on the Ukelele. And with that, I was smitten by his charm.
He's a musician. I couldn't believe how passionate he was with music that he knows how to play several instruments.
He said he liked me. And I am just too obvious.
He said the right words at the right time. And it felt as if he knows how to treat a woman real good. He held me the right way.

All those things mattered.
And I think I am not gonna be satisfied with just being friends.
I wanted more of him.

My friends told me they don't like him for me.
Others said, just give it some time.

I am trying my best not to fall in love first.
I think I love him for everything that he is. For everything that he had done and made me feel.

Is that enough?

I care for him. I started thinking about him, and he was never out of my mind since.
I'm at the point where in I think I can give anything to him. Accept everything that he is now, and what I might still discover about him.

I am dreaming.
I am  drowning with the thoughts of him.

I have lost my mind again.
I need to know where this is going. Or maybe I already know, coz he already told me that he wasn't ready.
But there are so many things I still want to do with him. That maybe we both deserve to know and understand why we have even met in the first place.

I want to be the center of his life and I want him to own me.



I really don't know why I feel this way for him. There were other options. But I just think he might be the one.