Grow Together or Grow Apart

I'm not saying you're not doing anything to make this work. Because I do appreciate every little thing.

I never wanted to say this, and I've always opted to just bury my negative feelings... 

And maybe because I believe in us, in you, so much that someday you will miss me so much that you will want to find ways to introduce quality time in the LDR. Maybe why I was excited that I would finally go drinking beers with you after work today. As simple as that excites me. A lot.

First thing I thought I'd do was to make you answer some quiz about finding out what works for you, and then eventually let you know what works for me. I think you're smart enough to realize the point of the whole quiz.

To know what your partner's love language, to understand his or her needs, and fulfill them. Maybe makes a stronger relationship.

Doesn't seem to be demanding to me, but I'm not sure if you will feel the same way. 

Because I do want to be your go-to person, your best friend, your hangout buddy, your sounding board, etc. And normal relationships do talk for hours and not just "how's your day?" Or ""what are your plans tonight?" Longer hours because they both want to develop that stronger connection to each other. Emotional connection. 

That's why other ldr people developed creative ways of staying in touch and defying distance, talking longer hours, sharing their simplest shit, and why you see other people hooked on their phones.

I was afraid that it will all come to this when you said (and I do respect that!) you are not that type. And I appreciate every single text messages, phone calls and pictures you've sent. 

But I do want more.

Do we wait until we are with each other to let the quality time and those things happen? 

I'm torn between sending this message to you or not. After all, im the infinity lord, destroyer of the metropolis. I don't want to change who you are at all. I'm only trying to suggest what could make this situation better.

But I have faith in you..in us. And I hope this will lead us to a better relationship together. And because #HappyWifeHappyLife.

I'm probably already drunk done swimming in tears when you read this.

Soliloquy

Sometimes I feel like you just don't have time for me. Like you have time for everything else but not me. I'm a confident person in a lot of aspects. And right now, I think I'm losing my mind. Am I wrong? I need to know I'm wrong. Or maybe I just need to know I'm important to you too.

I keep the faith. Believe me, I do. But sometimes I just have to know if I still matter to you the way (I think) I did before. I don't know how to tell you. I don't want to let you know that I've been going thru this. I just couldn't demand more coz it seems like it push people that I love away based on my experience. Sometimes words become empty when it's not partnered with actions. I tried everything. I've tried silence. Talk to friends. Paint and paint some more. Get into another hobby (calligraphy). But nothing else suffice to fill in my heart longing for you. Been too long without me even seeing a single strand of your hair. I miss you so much. I don't know what to do anymore. So I guess I'm telling you.

Hearty beginnings

Happy Valentines Day everyone!
It's been almost 2 months since my last blog entry. And I am very grateful to announce to the blog sphere world that I have been dating someone.

He knows that I am a "hearts and flowers" kind of girl and he did not let me down.
He sent me a nice bouquet of yellow and white Malaysian Mumps through an online delivery found in the Philippines.


I feel very blessed to have someone who loves me.

The note reads:

HAPPY BDAY HONEY! I KNOW NOT ROSES, BUT THIS MORE REMINDS ME OF FIRST DATE AND WATCHING THE SUNSTET AND YOUR PAINTINGS THAT I DO LOVE.
I LOVE EVERYDAY YOU ARE A PART OF MY LIFE.


Him:
Did you get anything from me?

Me:
hahaha
yeah

Him:
sweet! it worked!
i was a bit nervous

Me:
thats why i sent u an early morning message
hehehehe

Him:
haha..what i figured..
glad you got them in time

Me:
the oh gosh message
hahaha

Him:
:)

Me:
you're awesome!
^_^

Him:
nah..you're great hun..
lady needs some flowers on vday
i just am neve rinto the basic roses..i know they are pretty..
etc..
but i am nuts..just roll with it

Me:
lol
it makes sense =D
the message that came along with it

Him:
nice..glad you love them

Me:
well, you don't seem to be the cheesy type, and i wasn't really expecting anything... so its a big big gesture for me what you did

Him:
not day to day cheesy no..hehe

Me:
thank you very much, hun. you don't know what it means to me.

Him:
happy hun
you deserve
it
a wonderful lovely woman!!
my lovely woman right now..
but in general..special

Me:
yeah that's right. yours.

______________________________________________________________________________


In general, here's what I've learned from the past 12 months of being single:

Love is the most addictive drug. And every time you lose love, it is much like going through a withdrawal syndrome from a toxic substance. But heartbreaks are a great thing too in a way that it can inspire and motivate you. I have been painting much much more since the time I became single.

Dating is a bitch no matter where you are, so do your own thing, and the rest will fall into place.Elite Daily article

You have to know yourself. Have your own little world and have a life of your own. Don't be afraid to spend time alone as you will discover more things about yourself when you become your own focus. Be able to set goals for yourself and actually achieve it.
So that when you enter a relationship, you wont feel any danger of losing yourself. Or if you go thru an inevitable breakup, your world wont crash.

Find something that would make you happy that no one can take away from you.

And the rest will all follow.

The Holiday Chill

29th of December 2014.

Are we supposed to hold someone's hand?


Last Saturday, I met up with someone.
This time I've proven that I don't fall in love too easily.

That day, I went up to the roof deck to smoke one stick of cigarette.
I screamed to God to please give me a sign. To show a bright sunshine between the clouds.

It did show.


But the guy I met up with wasn't the one I wanted to fall in love with.


A chilly holiday indeed.

Take It With The Pain

Maybe I am addicted to pain.
Maybe I like getting hurt as much as being happy.

Maybe we all need to know how to get hurt, to know and appreciate being the joy and elation.

I saw my ex' post in Instagram, kissing another person - she hid the person very well with picture stickers.
She seemed very happy.

How the hell did she got their first?
I was cringing.
There monster in my stomach is back.
I was so green.

I hate this feeling.
Good thing my sister was there that night.
I went up to her and I burst my tears on her shoulder.

Few days before this shit, I went out to see our common friend and I was just telling her that I have always loved my ex and I would have chosen to get back together. But she said, love is not enough. I thought to myself that maybe this time, love is not enough. It used to be enough for me.
But she's happy now, kissing and posting another person in IG.

You can't have everything, really.

Love Language Personal Profile

Your Love Language Personal Profile
Lane, thank you for filling out the Love Language Profile for Singles to discover your love language. You’ve taken an important first step . . . understanding your love language. What follows is just the tip of the iceberg. To really understand your love language and how it affects your relationships, we recommend reading The 5 Love Languages Singles Edition. It will help you unpack all the concepts we touch on here.

Interpreting and Using Your Profile Score:

The highest score indicates your primary love language - how you really understand the expressions of love from others. It’s common to have two high scores (the highest score being 12), although one language tends to have a slight edge for most people. The lower scores in your profile indicate those languages you seldom use to communicate love and which probably don’t affect you on an emotional level in your relationships.

8 Acts of Service
8 Quality Time
6 Receiving Gifts
6 Words of Affirmation
2 Physical Touch




Acts of Service
Can helping with homework really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most wants to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter. When others serve you out of love (and not obligation), you feel truly valued and loved.

Quality Time
In Quality Time, nothing says “I love you” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes you feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed activities, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. Whether itʼs spending uninterrupted time talking with someone else or doing activities together, you deepen your connection with others through sharing time.

Receiving Gifts
Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures. Gifts are heartfelt symbols to you of someone else's love and affection for you.

Words of Affirmation
Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important— hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. You thrive on hearing kind and encouraging words that build you up.

Physical Touch
A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, and thoughtful touches on the arm—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive. Appropriate and timely touches communicate warmth, safety, and love to you.


Understand your love language

Remember - this description just scratches the surface of one love language. There’s much more to help you really understand the love languages of you and others in Dr. Chapman’s book, The 5 Love Languages Singles Edition.
 
Not what you expected?
If the results don’t seem right, here are three other approaches to discovering your love language:
• First, observe how you most often express love to others. If you are regularly doing acts of service for others, this may be your love language. If you are consistently, verbally affirming people, then Words of Affirmation is likely your love language.
• What do you complain about most often? When a loved one says Happy Birthday and you respond, “You didn't get me anything?!” you are indicating that Receiving Gifts is your language. The statement, “We don’t ever spend time together,” indicates the love language of Quality Time. Your complaints reveal your inner desires. (If you have difficulty remembering what you complain about most often, I suggest that you ask a friend or family member. Chances are they will know.)
• What do you request of others most often? If you are saying “Did I do a good job?” you are asking for Words of Affirmation. “Do you think we could hangout this weekend?” is a request for Quality Time. “Would it be possible for you to mow the grass this afternoon?” expresses your desire for Acts of Service.

Improve all your relationships

If you have not already done so, encourage your friends and loved ones to take the the Love Language Profile. Discuss your respective love languages, and use this insight to improve all your relationships!

Deville's Kiss

Cool wind blowing on my skin. I needed warmth.

I watched as he quietly played with the street cat with his hands. 

Gentle and playful. His long fingers caressing the furry creature. 

I felt a little warmth inside me. But the wind blew colder.

I wondered how those fingers would feel if it touched me that way. 

The feline seems to agree with what I was thinking, as it brushed its head some more on to his arms.

I told him I felt cold, and I made my way to get near him.
I couldn't take it anymore. The heat emerging from his body without touching felt empty.
I needed the human touch. I was a little envious with what he was doing to the cat.

His tempting eyes. His broad shoulders. The arms that seemed so strong. And his hands...

I don't remember how, but we were then holding hands.
I pulled away to see if he would want to have it back, and he did.

I didn't want to get too obvious, but I was longing that he would pull me in closer. Near to where I can hear his heart beat so that I can try to read what he doesn't say.
I looked for other signs and non-verbal cues, but all I saw was a poker face staring back at me.

While we walked, he said "this will be a great spot for our first kiss," as he referred to the X-mark on the road intersection. I rolled my eyes at him and said, "not gonna happen". But it did after a few blocks. At an inconvenient location. I pulled him in and smack my lips into his and then pushed him away.

He said, "that wasn't a kiss. That was an assault on the lips" as he pulled me in, and I gave in to the idea of kissing.
He cupped my face and he slowly moved in to my personal space. I felt his breath came closer to my face.

He. Kissed. Me.

And it felt warmer than ever.